Trying For A Baby: When Sex Becomes a Chore (And How To Survive It)
By Patrick & Lauren, Owners of Gigil
Trying for a baby is supposed to be exciting. You ditch the contraception, start dreaming about baby names, and maybe even get a little smug about how much “fun” you’re going to have in the process. But if you’ve been at it for more than a couple of months, you’ll know the truth: sex when you’re TTC (trying to conceive) isn’t always fun. In fact, it can be downright stressful.
The Reality of TTC: Scheduled Sex and Zero Passion
Here's how it usually goes (how it went for us):
- Month 1 - 2: "Woohoo, let's make a baby! (lots of passion, lots of hope).
- Month 3 - 4: Out come the ovulation tests, apps and reminders. Suddenly, sex is happening on a schedule, whether you feel like it or not.
- Month 5+: She's over it. He's over it. Sex is no longer about desire - it's about duty. And it's no fun at all.
Instead of intimacy, it becomes a ticking clock: “We’ve got a 24-hour window, let’s go!” Cue the awkwardness of both partners not feeling attractive, not feeling passionate, and wondering when their love life turned into a job description.
Lauren: “Each month I’d convince myself, this will be the one. Then when that single line appeared on the test, I’d just cry. It became harder to pretend it didn’t matter when it mattered more than anything.”
Patrick: “It was extremely hard to see her stress and blame herself, while I was silently wondering if I was the problem too. We were both carrying the same guilt and not wanting the other to see it.”
Why It's Hard On Both Mum & Dad
- For Mum: Sex can feel transactional. She might not feel in the mood at all but knows it has to happen. That shift from "I want you" to "I need this to make a baby" can kill the spark.
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For Dad: Performance anxiety kicks in. Nothing ruins the mood faster than being told it must happen right now. It's like being asked to juggle flaming swords on command.
Lauren: “I started to dread the days the app said were ‘the ones.’ It felt like my body was on a timer, and if I wasn’t in the mood, I was letting everyone down - him, myself, even our daughter.”
Patrick: “People assume men have it easy — more sex, less stress. It’s not true. When sex feels like a job, it’s the opposite of easy. You’re told it needs to happen, and suddenly it feels like a test you can fail.”
No one tells you this bit when you say you're "trying".
When Baby #2 Makes It Even Harder
If you conceived easily the first time around, trying for a second can come as a rude awakening. After your first baby, sex drives often change - especially for mums. Between the physical recovery, sleepless nights, and the hormonal rollercoaster, many women don’t get their old libido back in full swing. Just as things are slowly finding a new normal, along comes the pressure of TTC again.
Lauren: “After our first, I thought it would be just as easy again. I wasn’t prepared for how disconnected I’d feel from my own body. Our daughter would ask when she was getting a sibling, and it broke my heart - something I wanted so badly but couldn’t make happen.”
Patrick: “With one child already, it was less excitement, more pressure. I kept thinking, what if we can’t give her a sibling? I felt like I was failing my wife and my daughter at the same time.”
Now, instead of intimacy building naturally, it’s suddenly back to “we need to do it tonight because the app says so.” For dads, this can be especially tough - it feels like passion has been replaced with project management (and for him, the passion may have never come back). For mums, it can feel like another item on an already long to-do list. And for both, it risks compounding the frustration: no spontaneity, no spark, just sex-as-a-task.
It’s not that the love is gone. It’s that scheduling and pressure leave no room for desire to grow.
Keeping The Spark Alive While Trying To Conceive
So, how do you stop your sex life from turning into a passionless, mechanical routine? Here are some light-hearted but genuinely helpful tips:
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Stop watching the calendar (all the time)
Yes, timing matters. but obsessing over ovulation strips can make both of you miserable. Try to focus on enjoying time together instead of constantly counting days. -
Mix in intimacy that isn't about sex
Cuddling, massages, even just binge-watching a series together can help you reconnect as a couple. Feeling close matters just as much as the actual baby-making part. -
Laugh about it (we know it's hard - trust us)
If you can't find humour in the awkwardness ("well, that was romantic"), it's easy to spiral into stress. A shared joke can make the whole thing less heavy (but tears are normal). -
Keep sex fun (sometimes unrelated to TTC)
Have sex just because - not because the app says so. It reminds you both that intimacy isn't only about making a baby. -
Talk about it
If it feels like a chore, admit it. Chances are you're both thinking the same thing. Communication takes the pressure off.
Patrick: “We talked more during that year than we ever had before. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it hurt, but at least we were facing it together.”
Final Thoughts
Trying for a baby can be one of the most emotional rollercoasters you’ll ever get on. It’s stressful, frustrating, and sometimes hilarious in its lack of romance. But you’re not alone - countless couples go through the exact same “scheduled sex” phase.
Lauren: “Toward the end, I started focusing on gratitude - on the amazing daughter we already had. I stopped chasing what wasn’t happening and poured my energy into her. And then, that month, it happened.”
The key is remembering that you’re a team. One day, you’ll look back, baby in arms (hopefully after fewer awkward encounters than you feared), and laugh at the fact that your love story briefly turned into the world’s least sexy military operation.
Until then? Take the pressure off, keep laughing, and remember: passion might take a backseat for now, but it’s never truly gone.
FAQ: Sex, TTC & Baby-Making Stress
Is it normal for sex to feel like a chore when trying for a baby?
Yes, many couples feel this way when TTC. Scheduling sex around ovulation can strip away spontaneity and make it feel like an obligation instead of intimacy.
Does trying for a second baby make TTC sex harder?
It can. After baby #1, sex drives (especially for mums) often change due to hormones, tiredness and body recovery. When TTC again, scheduling sex may feel even less romantic, which can be tough for both partners.
How can couples keep sex enjoyable while TTC?
Focus on intimacy outside of baby-making, laugh about the awkwardness, and mix in sex that isn't tied to ovulation. This helps keep the spark alive and removes some pressure.
What if we're struggling emotionally while trying to conceive?
You're not alone. Many couples find TTC stressful. Talking openly, supporting each other, and even taking breaks can help. If stress feels overwhelming, speaking with a fertility counsellor can be a huge relief.